Friday 18 February – Goo Night

During breakfast I gave the ladies more Florentine historical overviews, focusing on the de Medici family, appropriate since we were going to the Uffizi this morning. All the works in the museum are from their personal collection and centuries ago their homes were littered with these now priceless objects. Everything was left to the city when the last one passed away. Most of the rooms are pretty much floor to ceiling crammed full of paintings, carvings, objets d'art. Other rooms, the ones with the really large canvases like the Botticellis are more spare. I could spend all day in there looking at his “Allegories of Spring” and “Uma Thurman on the halfshell.”

We spent a little over three hours there. I was quite surprised they wanted to hang out that long there. Good for them!

As we walked to lunch at Sostanza I asked how they arrived at making the requests for the restaurants they did. I had an inkling that somebody watches the now-defunct Food Network program (circa 2004 with Rachel Ray before she was super-annoying and overexposed) called “$40 A Day” because 3 of the 4 restaurants they listed -Sostanza, Il Latini, Acqua al 2 - were on that Florence episode. I didn't let on that I suspected, but one of the ladies confirmed it.

Oy.

Let me explain why this confuses me. This program was RR in some city somewhere getting all her food for one day for under $40. Mind you, the US dollar doesn't have nearly the power it did in 2004 so while it is possible to eat three meals in Florence for under 30Euros, but not at those three places on the show.

Here is the rub: these women have collectively paid WELL over 10 grand for this five day jaunt with a private guide, and they are eating at restaurants on the “$40 a day” show??? This doesn't square up to me. Do you get the fuzzy logic? Am I wrong?

But I'm smiling, smiling, smiling my Fantasy Island smile. Everything's fine. No worries. Whatever, it's your dime, people.

I did tell them that I wouldn't be going with them to Il Latini. I was quite careful not to try to dissuade them from going, but I was very honest in my experience there. In 2006 we had reservations there one night, and showed up to an absolute mess at the door. There's usually a lot of clamoring for a table, lots of people without reservations, but the guy at the door did not sort out who has a res and who didn't. There was shoving at the door like it was the day after Thanksgiving at Best Buy. This didn't sit well with us at all, because for a place with communal tables, if somebody shoved me out of the way at the door they had better not be seated anywhere near me or somebody's getting a fork in the eyesocket. We ended up leaving before we even got in the door and the experience soured me on the place. I don't recommend it for the seating mayhem alone, and by 95% of the accounts I continue to read, it's still messy. They are also victims of their own success; most of the patrons are not locals, which is always a bad sign in my book.

So after telling them the story(and leaving out the part about the food being tourist fare these days) the only warning I gave them is that they may have reservations but doesn't mean it will be smooth sailing getting through the doors. They could possibly all end up discouraged like we were, but all they have to do is walk down the street because there are many restaurants picking up Il Latini's frustrated would-be customers. They consider themselves well informed now.

As we were walking to dinner at Acqua Al 2 my phone buzzed. It was the house phone at Mamma's so I didn't know if it was her or Marco, but he usually calls on his mobile. There was no greeting from her, just the remarks that “Sono battaglia” - they are fighting. Oh boy, here it comes. I asked if he was okay and her response was,“La strega che sta facendo lui infelice.” That witch is making him miserable. I suggested that she remain out of it and she agreed, and she sounds just a little too happy about all this. “Goo-Night Kricka!”

Goo-Night, indeed.

Back inside at dinner, my brief explanation of the reason for the phone call was the catalyst to start a line of conversation I hadn't been expecting at all: these women are all kind of on the make. It's not as if they have bets going on who can get laid first, but none of them are ruling out the possibility of having a fling with an Italian man if opportunity presents itself. Great.

They asked me where I go for attention. Um what? “Men notice you, sweetie. We've been talking about this and want to know if you have one of those special perfumes that attract them all like flies. We walk through the door and the men are all smiling at you – we're chopped liver. Maybe we all need to gain 25 pounds because they are all about your curves, sweetie.” Guh. Sweetie. Irritating.

Mind you, these are all nice looking professional women, all in good shape and put together quite well. Some may have even had a little work done, I'm suspecting fillers or botox or something on that order. But I don't think it has much to do with how in-shape a woman is (because I'm not) it's always about how you carry yourself. I smile and try to be engaging with everyone and receive smiles in return. Anything beyond that I try not to notice. I confess in a group of women, I've never been the pretty one, but I'm always comfortable at being the outwardly-confident one (and the dry-humored smart-ass one), even if it's a facade sometimes.

One of the women managed to step up and take it a step further. “Where would you take us to meet someone?” Where in my employment paperwork did it say “procure temporary bed partners” for the clients? I told them to just go to a bar, but not one of the loud clubs, unless they are looking for a college student. Just go to the hotel bar at the Excelsior, something may turn up for you. I get that people leave themselves open for local flavor while the cat's away, etc.,but keep it to yourselves people. I don't need to know your ulterior motives. I guess they feel they can confide in me. I have that power.

Blech. Well this isn't uncomfortable at all. Goo Night, is right. Sticky and uncomfortable.

On the way back to the hotel my phone rang again, this time with Marco. He told me he and Donatella are through. “We are broken.” I told him I was sorry to hear that news, he said it was for the best. “The right woman will come for me one day, I am not worried.”

If only he could get himself down to Florence. There are four hungry women who could make him forget about his break up right about now.