Monday 13 Sept - I Only Fly so I Can Shop the Skymall!!!

I didn't sleep, as I expected. No worries, I wouldn't have been able to anyway. There were two toddlers in the row behind me who are now tied with my quasi-grandchildren as "World's Worst Travelers, Children Edition." I understand that it was early, the plane took off at 6 AM, they flew in their pajamas. Their parents were clearly exhausted, after all, they slept the whole way. The parents. Yep, through the crying and the whining, and the screaming, the parents did basically nothing to keep the two boys (approximate ages 2 and 3) from annoying the other passengers. Fantastic. Four and a half hours of having the back of my chair kicked, fingers poked between the seats, screaming when the ball fell on the floor.

Remind me to have five next time. Children. EXACTLY like them.

And of course, they fell asleep as we were descending into Atlanta. It was like that Bill Cosby routine about the little boy Jeffrey on the plane, except the parents weren't following after him with "Jeffrey, Jeffrey. Come here Jeffrey. Don't touch that Jeffrey..." what with them getting their beauty rest on the plane. But with the children not wanting to wake up at the end of the flight, my flightmates appeared to delight in jostling them about to ready themselves to deplane.

Atlanta airport was uneventful, except I got to experience my first Chik-Fil-A meal. No big deal.

I'm a people-watcher, in case nobody has noticed. I love sitting in airports and watching people before they go. There's usually stark contrast to when they get off the plane, which is fun to see as well. There were a few groupings around me at the gate who apparently were going on a cruise once they reached Venice. It's to be expected - there are a number of cruise ships that embark from there. So you see the typical cruisers - older Americans with their cruisewear and their sandals. The ladies have just had their hair coiffured and teased to heaven in hopes that they can make it through the week without needing to make an appointment aboard the ship. The woman sitting closest to me had this look in the bright Henna-Red hue. She also had the prerequisite pre-flight reading materials of National Enquirer, Star AND Look, about which she conferred frequently with her travel companion. Same look, except in blond. They both were in their late sixties, sounded as if they were from New Jersey by way of south Florida (given the real, deep, leathery tans) and they had amazing fingernails. I actually took out my camera to get a couple of snaps. These were nails I hadn't seen since my days at CSAA Emergency Road Service when I worked with Jennifer Daniels and her 3-inch masterpieces.


(Beware... The CLAW)

The care that went into the turning of the pages of the newspaper held me enthralled. The conversation was equally enticing to catch snippets of: "Oh they're still together. I thought she had dumped him. That Johnny Depp, he cleans up so nice. Why does he insist on looking so ratty?" I'm sure Johnny would love to know he was the talk of Gate T01 at ATL.

Once on the plane I could feel my eyes getting heavy, although I needed to stay awake until the meal was served. I kept myself busy with the Delta Duty-Free catalog and the Skymall magazine.

WHOO HOO. I love looking at Skymall. So much unnecessary crap in one place for your enjoyment!!! I would love to share my favorites with you now.


This does not look like it would relax me, and in fact looks like it might be illegal in some states and Saudi Arabia. Look at the prong near her mouth. It's shaped a little differently than the others.



Hmmm...



Doesn't everyone need their own six foot monolith in the patio area?



This is probably the only thing in the whole catalog I might consider. I've been known to pile my blankets and jackets to sleep this way. But it just looks awful.



This page scares me. Spy cameras to see who is in your house while you're away, secret recorders, okay. People need nanny-cams, I get that. But the one at the top of the page freaks me out. If you need to recover your loved one's deleted text messages and you're reading this on a plane, maybe you need to be home more. Am I right?



And finally, the pet-related stuff. I have at least 15 rants in my head about people and their neuroses with their dogs. I won't go into it here, but they all boil down to this - I grew up with animals and they were not neurotic. The dog traveled with us to Grandma's when we vacationed, but we didn't have specialized equipment for her. She was in the backseat with my brother and me. Furthermore, the whole entitlement thing with owners believing they can bring their pets into stores with them just rubs me the wrong way.



This is last one. Ugh. The whole "dog crating" thing BAFFLES me. But who am I to complain? I have birds in a cage. But you know what? They are birds. Not dogs. If you need to lock up your pet in your absence, you aren't doing something right. But you can at least make it pretty, right? It's not a cage if it's pretty... I'm sure the already-neurotic dog won't mind that you put your cocktail on top of them or pile magazines there either.