There are times when I really *really* hate social networks and the internet in general. I woke up to a posting on Facebook from a cousin that one of my uncles has unexpectedly passed away. While I don't want to deny anyone their right to grieve or their way of grieving, I just wish that the nine hours' difference had enabled me to get the word from my mother or from the cousin as a heads up before seeing it in black and white on a status update. Che c'e vuoi fa? What can you do? I just wish there was a way for bad news to be instantaneously given to everyone so there are no surprises for those not in the same timezone.
My mother had indeed left me a message on my magicjack, and the voicemail was sitting in my email waiting for me. No details about the death in her message, just a brief “Call me as soon as you can.” Knowing what she was going to tell me already, I could hear the stress in her voice, and that was enough to make me steel myself for the actual conversation. I called immediately and on her picking up the line all I could greet her with was “What happened, Mama?”
On my list of top three things I absolutely hate in this world, the first two are things that make my mother cry and things that make my mother angry. I always want to make everything right for her because she is my favorite person in the world. Sorry, hub-unit, but you have to take a backseat when it comes to my mother's emotional state. She held it together while she gave me details and told me she hadn't broken down yet, that she was waiting until she could talk to me.
I hate myself right now. I can't be there in person to console her. My arms are not long enough to comfort her. The distance is too great right now. This is the one thing I feared about taking a job where I am so far away – I can't get back to be with her now. And it hurts me. A lot. I know my father is right there next to her, but I want to be there too.
Went down to breakfast and it was noticeable that I wasn't “me” to the clients. I didn't want to talk about it with them and I didn't want to really talk at all. I asked them to forgive me and requested that I give my talk on the bus instead on the way to Orvieto, that I had just had some unexpected news from home and I needed a little time to let it sink in. No problem, no problem. A few of the ladies came over while I was eating and told me I was white as a sheet so it must be bad, and that if I needed to talk they would listen. Very sweet of them. I told them there was a death in my mother's family and I was feeling the distance from her in a bad way.
The day was very surreal. Not 24 hours before I had seen him posting on my cousin's Facebook page in his usual jovial manner, and now he's gone. It seems unreal. I had waves of sadness all day long, in expected and unexpected ways; a memory or a joke he told would pop in my head, but also hearing the pining notes on a violin in a piazza, the sound of laughter from a table inside a trattoria, smiles of children playing with their grandfather in the town square as we walked past. The violin and the laughter had nothing to do with any particular memory of him, but I felt I was watching a movie play out in front of me. Life going on in front of me. And I was stock still as it passed by.
Before I go on any longer, suffice to say it was an odd day.
We toured through Orvieto and on to Torgiano in the Umbria region, where we stay for two nights in a villa hotel / winery.
No comments:
Post a Comment