5 Novembre - Breaking Point

On a balance sheet, things are definitely tipped to the good side right now. However, my emotional state is taking a toll. I haven't been able to call home and talk to hub-unit very much, only twice in two weeks. Between the time difference, his hours of availability versus mine, hospitals, working, bad or slow computer connectivity, it just hasn't worked out for us. And I'm all the worse for it. Embarking on this journey of working far from home, the first thing I have said throughout has been that I have to be able to connect to my home life. I have to feel connected and “there” even when I'm not or it just won't work for me. Not having the ability to call home and talk really brought me down today.

This was after I had spoken to him. I hung up the phone and started missing him immediately. And the tears came.

I know it's the stress of everything in the past few weeks coming out: my uncle's death, the floods, the keeping myself on my toes, Mamma's surgery, tending the family graves, emotionally supporting the family here, trying to emotionally support my mother by phone in her grieving, guilt over Mamma having to be re-admitted (did I cause her to do too much too soon?) and just everything under the sun made me break down. I whined on facebook and received some wonderful words of support from friends. Thanks guys, I need you!

I did get to speak to my pal and travel-buddy Charlene for a little while on magicjack, until I snapped my phone cord and finally broke the tine off completely on the plug. Boo. Will now need to get another cord.

I am dangerously close to packing it all in as soon as Mamma is in the clear. The idea of five months is just too long... even though hub-unit will likely come over at New Years, it's not entirely “home” - unless all my friends and my parents and brother come too. Think about, people, let's have a party over here? Okay? For me...

In any case, I need to seriously evaluate if this is all worth it. Certainly being around and being able to care for Mamma is worth it, but I don't think I can be away from my “real” life too much longer. I knew when taking this job I wouldn't do it forever.. I wanted to be able to say that I have done it – I've worked my dream job. I can say that I have.

Time will tell. I'm going to suck it up for a little while longer and stop whining now.